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Mary Worth, 11/14/20

Oh, man, it looks like Tommy’s going to prove he’s not using again, the only way he can: by getting a better job! Obviously only a loser would work at, uh, the place where Brandy works, so the way for Tommy to prove he’s not a loser would be to get a job somewhere else. Yes, it’s definitely true that people with prestigious, high-paying jobs like stockbrokers or actors would never use drugs, so this is a foolproof plan.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/14/20

[I brace myself for the non-stop thrill ride that is Rex Morgan, M.D., and begin the first panel] HOLY SHIT THERE’S HOT SOUP IN THOSE CONTAINERS, WHAT IF NIKI SPILLS IT [I get to the second panel] OH THANK GOD, HE DIDN’T SPILL IT [I begin crying because I’m so relieved but emotionally drained by this whole experience]

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/10/20

Oh, hey, remember Red? Red was a guy who tried, in an extremely pathetic and non-threatening way, to mug Jordan and Michelle, but then it turned out he was an old high school classmate of Jordan’s, and was also a veteran suffering from both PTSD and hallucinations brought on by kidney disease, so he was reunited with his family and got a kidney transplant, which was, as I probably don’t have to tell you as it took place in Rex Morgan, M.D., boring. Jordan promised to take Red on as a cook in his new restaurant, and honestly the most interesting thing about the whole story is that Red’s drama somehow took the focus off the fact that Jordan had engaged in a little light stolen valor, so my tenuous hope was that Red and Jordan would start trading some (literal) war stories and this would all come out, but instead there’s just going to be a lot of healthy diet talk, zzzzzzzz.

Funky Winkerbean, 11/10/20

I had assumed Harry had taken up teaching music again because he loved it so much that he couldn’t bear the thought of stepping away forever, despite his hearing loss, but no, it actually appears he’s as miserable about this situation as his poor student is. So is he doing it for … money? Does he need money? Honestly, it’s a real relief to learn that he doesn’t get paid for all the time he spends hanging around Westview High irritating the actual band teacher.

Slylock Fox, 11/10/20

Fellas! Are you looking for a chore to do that will beautify the neighborhood and have the ladies swooning? Think about painting a fence!

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Phantom, 11/3/20

My wife runs a lot of trainings for her job, which have predictably all become virtual trainings over the past six months, and her work sent her a handy little LED ring light to better illuminate her, but her home office is in the living room which gets great natural light and she doesn’t really need it, so it’s been repurposed for my Zoom comedy shows, which I run from my somewhat darker office. But what if we lived in a cave? What if we lived in a cave deep underground, with no natural light at all, but still had to do video calls for exposition purposes? Well, probably we would just get a normal set of lights that you would put in a house, since clearly the whole place is fully wired for electricity, but why not just set up a single theater-quality spotlight and point it directly at your head from like six feet away? The pros (long, moody shadows) surely outweighs the cons (profuse sweating).

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/3/20

“Oh, absolutely. Turns out caring for a bunch of sick, dying, highly infectious old people is a real drag. Plus that thing I heard on Facebook about doctors getting a bonus payment for every COVID patient was not true at all, and the CDC was extremely rude about it when I tried to invoice them.”

Family Circus, 11/3/20

Billy is so full of joy not because he gives a single shit about democracy, but because his teacher gave him such an incredibly easy assignment. What a dope! He’s gonna tape that thing up and not learn a damn thing, which is just how he likes it.