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Apartment 3-G, 10/7/08

Haley is so weak from dope-sickness that she can’t even sigh aloud; she can only think the word “sigh.”

Baldo, 10/7/08

Baldo’s sexual services only merit a B-.

Luann, 10/7/08

To everyone who’s been writing to Greg Evans and United Features Syndicate demanding to see Brad’s nipples: I hope you’re happy now, you bastards.

Pluggers, 10/7/08

A plugger moves through life leaving a trail of failure and economic ruin in his wake.

Beetle Bailey, 10/7/08

Otto has been “assigned” to Sarge’s “unit.”

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Hey, everybody! I want to begin this post by paying collective homage to everyone who was kind enough to put some money in my tip jar while I was away, and for Uncle Lumpy and his cast of dozens of rotating banners for urging you to do so. Everyone who contributed will be getting a personal thank-you from me sometime in the next week, but I do want to collectively say thanks now before you all. I also want to thank Uncle Lumpy for just plain being an awesome pinch-hitter, and for making me laugh on multiple occasions when I checked in from my Undisclosed Location.

Anyway, before I get to the CsOTW, I need to approach one strip that I didn’t discuss today, but which held a very special resonance for me.

Luann, 9/6/08

Soooo … remember a ways back when I mentioned that I had been nominated for the Hot Blogger Calendar? Well, thanks the gratuitous ballot-stuffing on your parts that followed, part of my week off involved a bus trip to New York to get my picture taken. I shall say no more now, except to note that I was a lot more into the experience than poor Brad. More information as I get it, but: brace yourselves.

And you know who else was an official Hot Blogger? None other than Sally Forth scribe/Medium Large creator/all-explaining blogger Francesco Marciuliano!

This pic of the two of us was taken the night before the photo shoot. You can barely tell, but those are firemen on the fire escape on the building behind us, peeling big chunks of vinyl siding off of the building that my head is mostly blocking, because it was on fire … as a result of our hotness? Probably!

Anyway, take a moment to calm down and enjoy the comment of the week!

“The Funky-doesn’t-lose-weight plot is one of the most boring things I’ve ever witnessed, and I read Spider-Man.” –Tweeks_Coffee

And the runners up!

“Only a plugger would spend three and a half hours repairing a $9 toaster? I’m no economist, but if he managed to scrape $9 worth of Pop Tart icing from the inside it was probably worth it.” –gh

“Wait a minute! Alan used to be alive?” –Muffaroo-who-brunches

“My name is Margo Magee. You called me ‘li’l lady.’ Prepare to die.” –blueberrygrrrl

“When it came time to break the heartbreaking news to my wife, I tried this: Me – ‘There were some fraudulent charges on one of our credit cards. The bank wiped the charges and will issue us a new card.’ My wife – ‘OK.’ Hopefully this tip will help Toby with her terrible ordeal.” –Worthinator

“Maria! Jameson! For the love of God, DON’T REPRODUCE!!” –Mibbitmaker

“I’m on tenterhooks with Mark Trail. Hopefully the titular hero will show up, punch out blondie, and rescue the poor alligator.” –Bribaby

“And the lesson of the day is ‘There is a right place and a wrong place for heels.’ Take it to heart while Mr. Alligator does his part for our gene pool.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“I’m thrilled that Toby deals with her fear of Ian being angry because she hid her credit card problem by hiding her credit card problem.” –Lithros

“Jeeze, look at Ian stomping his paunchy ass away there. He looks like Marlon Brando chasing a wheelbarrow full of Big Macs.” –jake!

“‘But the inch-long youngsters, once they hatch, have no family loyalty.’ Hey, Jack Elrod’s kids! Would it kill ya to call your old man once in a while?” –gleeb

“Pardon My Planet = Pluggers for Hipsters.” –Beatrice

“…the best thing about this strip is the Crimestopper’s Textbook panel, in which some weepy stocky kid has found where the sidewalk ends.” –commodorejohn

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• Josh teams up with MST3K alums! Enjoy MST3K-style ribbing of the weepiest Spider-Man ever — with Bill Corbett, Kevin Murphy, and your very own Comics Curmudgeon!

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The Comics Curmudgeon 2008 Fall Fundraiser



Click here or above to support the Comics Curmudgeon. Thank you!

— Uncle Lumpy

Ah, love! Makes the world go ’round ‘n’ all, but its course never did run smooth — let’s watch!

Sally Forth, 10/2/08

Well, everyone feels good for Ted, of course, but let’s not neglect the opportunity this represents for Alice. She hasn’t.

Mary Worth, 10/2/08

This only seems to be a test of Toby’s trust and Ian’s forgiveness. Toby’s issues center on her own impulse control and Ian’s attentiveness: when she blurts out her secret during the first five seconds of their reunion, will he listen to a word she says? Mary’s issues, as ever, concern tactics, survival, and opportunities for fraud as executrix.

Luann, 10/2/08

Luann and TJ badgered Perpetual Tool Brad into overbidding for some skeezy pay-for-play calendar scheme. Today’s strip mocks itself, so I don’t have to.

Mark Trail, 10/2/08, 8/23/06

In Mark Trail, love rarely gets beyond, “More pancakes, please!” Could this time be different? Wetland-drainin’ cityfolk Sue and Charlie apparently have romantic history. But while Sue can still touch her cheek (or perhaps her ear), it appears she’s lost touch with her heart. Poor Charlie avenges the dual humiliations of sexual rejection and a dead-end career in a family-owned business on that innocent hallway Pothos. In the end, though, it won’t matter. It’s a hardy plant.

Hey, does Charlie look familiar? He should! Here’s Hoyt, the Chicken-kickin’ Beekeeper from the awesome Molly epic of 2006:

Hoyt is a kind of secular saint among Trailfans — he helped set in motion a complex narrative involving bears both pet and arrow-assed, Kelly Welly, mobs of bloodthirsty but ultimately lazy upright rural folk (an apparent Pluggers crossover), one-upsmanship on the Rain of Frogs from the Book of Exodus, and many other delights. For this, and after a meek apology, he was allowed to keep his hair.

We’ll see if Charlie fares as well.

— Uncle Lumpy

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The Comics Curmudgeon 2008 Fall Fundraiser



Well, Josh’s plan to hit the jackpot at Jeopardy didn’t quite pan out as planned. And those Lehman Brothers and AIG investments have been underperforming, too. So here’s another Comics Curmudgeon fundraiser — a twice-a-year event to help Josh maintain the naive delusion that he can actually make a living doing this.

Site stats show that most CC readers cruise by for a quick chuckle during the workday, while a determined few dig deep in the comments, wrangling out issues from Foob revisionism and Mary Worth‘s fashion sense to Middle English grammar. Either way, the Comics Curmudgeon delivers the comics we grew up with — in some cases, the comics Moses grew up with — in a way that works for this century. Isn’t that worth a couple bucks? I thought so!

Click the panel up top to visit the special fundraiser page and help keep the Comics Curmudgeon strong and independent. Thank you!

— Uncle Lumpy

Curtis, 9/30/08

OK, the “evil coach” is an oldie, but credit Curtis for thinking it through — sure, the Eastern-European stereotype is overdone, but the hairy tongue (!) and Santa suit give it a fresh look. But really, “dandelions”? “Dandelions”?

Six Chix, 9/30/08

Margaret Shulock — one-sixth of the ‘Chix’ as well as the writer of Apartment 3G — serves up a double dose of death this week. But this Death be not proud — he’s just a gangly, socially awkward, self-conscious fella who needs fashion advice, and probably a hug. I bet he’s the one who claimed Alan’s soul. And I bet Alan was kinda pleased by that.

The Phantom, 9/30/08

Ah, now here’s a villian of the old school! We last saw Wambesi terrorist and Phantom-nemesis Chatu (a.k.a. “The Python”) in August 2006, leaving a crippled helicopter for ol’ Stripey to ride to firey death. Didn’t happen. Surviving now sans minions in greatly reduced circumstances, Chatu worked out a mad scheme to spread Ebola virus using fruit bats — but Ebolified himself in the process. The Ghost-who-Cares will track the virus to infected gym mats in somebody’s hut, as the villagers cry, ambiguously, “How are you going to kill it?”

Luann, 9/30/08

Remember how Tiffany used to be the schemer in this strip? Look how far our heroine has come. Without mussing a hair or even fully opening her eyes, Luann excises Tiff’s last shred of self-respect, then sends her spinning into the competitive cesspool of underage porn. Um, that’s a left leg, isn’t it?

Herb and Jamaal, 9/30/08

Not necessarily evil-related, but a milestone nonetheless: the comic strip Herb and Jamaal became self-aware at 1:09 Eastern time, September 30th, 2008. In a stunning irony, the strip was instantly sued by the copyright holders of the words “Crunchy” and “Powdered.”

— Uncle Lumpy

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Oh, there’s always something to go with your COTW post, now isn’t there? This week, we have a fabulous report from another Comics Curmudgeon get-together, this one featuring a visitor all the way from JAPAN! Crazy! I’ll let faithful reader willethompson tell the tale…

John Shelton Reed said “Every time I look at Atlanta I see what a quarter million Confederate soldiers died to prevent.” He said that BEFORE I-85 went to 12 lanes (permanently under repair) all the way to Lawrenceville. But I braved it all to see True Fable, Squid Countess, Trotzenbonnie, and ChattyGenes and her puppets.

From left: ChattyGenes (visiting from Japan!), Squid Countess, willethompson (standing), True Fable, Trotzenbonnie

The Old Spaghetti Factory is located on Ponce de Leon, a street that was the center of a down-at-the-heels (aka Southern Bohemian) neighborhood that is being gentrified as the Bank of America tower glowers down on it. OSF is one of those places that manufactures atmosphere, or at least buys it by the truckload. Brass and tulip-shaped light fixtures fight with a faux streetcar for your visual attention in large, noisy rooms.

I wandered in about 12:30 and met TF and his boys (two INCREDIBLY nice young men) helping CG set up the puppet show in a corner of a downstairs room. Knowing that TF couldn’t drink, I was perhaps cruel in fetching a locally-brewed Sweetwater 420 but it was not without incident. An unattended bar? In ATLANTA? On a Saturday afternoon?? If he knew who I had to fuck to get that beer, I think he’d forgive me.

Trotz arrived next, with her sheepdog Miss Mollie (looking stunning in a pink ribbon) and Mr. T (looking stunning in a green T-shirt) who excused themselves to sample the pleasures of Piedmont Park. Squiddy was delayed by construction on I-75 (see: John Shelton Reed above), so we ate as ChattyGenes looked on, not wanting a load of pasta to interfere with her performance energy.

And yes, she fought the background noise of a teenage girl’s birthday party to deliver a sublime 50-minute puppet show with five featured characters (and two backup sheep) tailored to a very select audience (Hey, gh! She had you! And Big Sims, too!). AND she brought presents for all!! AND AND even some of the birthday party attendees came over to watch!!! Take a hike, Cyndi Lauper, we gotcher performance art right HERE!

All in all, a fine time was had by all in placing faces with screen names. As TF said, it was like CC but in real time. The only downside was a waitstaff that couldn’t seem to remember that TF’s boys had ordered Cokes. In Atlanta? Gotalmightdamn, they squeeze the stuff fresh daily just down the street!! What, they had transported it all to Beijing to fight the air pollution???

There are few things that tickle me more than knowing that the humble Website I churn out in my pajamas at odd ours of night has brought people together in real life who otherwise would never have met! Don’t forget that you can arrange your very own meetup on the Comics Curmudgeon Forums!

Also of note from my in-box this week was this find from faithful reader Matt K. in Brooklyn, who has solved a mystery that has been bedeviling the DeGroot parents: where their boarder gets his money. “I saw this ad while flipping through the latest Timeout NY and immediately thought of TJ. Classy job.”

And finally, for everyone who was despairing that Captain Thunder’s brilliant Dennis the Menace-based Regency pastiche had run out of steam — fear not! The Luck of Dennis St. Michel, Viscount Stokington is back, and better than ever!

And with that out of the way, it’s finally — finally! — time for your comment of the week.

“What does John think a ‘simple wedding’ means? Boxers and a trucker hat? Sorry but YOU STILL HAVE TO WEAR CLOTHES.” –psychobiddy

And your tasty runners up!

“It’s interesting how the folks in Gasoline Alley use two different meanings for the word ‘parts’ in succeeding sentences. That’s what happens when your entire strip only has a hundred-word vocabulary.” –BigTed

“Now at Six Flags: The Mary Worth Roller Coaster! They strap you in and the cars just sit there for all eternity.” –Calico says

“We all know that Toni’s getting it, but clearly not from Brad. I’m surprised Brad doesn’t wear his black concert t-shirt from the ‘Monsters of Abstinence’ tour.” –trey le parc

“A Southern teacher should, however, definitely know better than to wear blackface into the classroom. Her attempts to appear old enough to remember when minstrel shows were not considered offensive will not save her from community ire — unless, of course, the community is made up entirely of pubescent boys. In that case she can basically wear a Klan hood, as long as the costume doesn’t extend below her neck.” –Bad at Net Handles

“Judging by the beady-eyed look of horror from the concessions worker, I think the ‘gold’ in question is a reference to the several inches of liquid butter at the bottom of the bucket, which this plugger bear is shown pawing at, reminiscent of Winnie the Pooh gorging himself on a pot of honey. The difference of course being that Pooh died from complications due to his type II diabetes. Plugger bear here, though he likely suffers from hypoglycemia if not full-blown diabetes, is probably going to go out from a massive coronary during the movie.” –Colinski

“I think we all know how Marmaduke described himself.” –Gold-Digging Nanny

“So is Mary Worth always like this: picking an interesting issue, building up to it by way of weeks of intense boredom, and then ending without any kind of interesting climax whatsoever? It’s like digging for treasure and finding only my own grave.” –Amanda

“I guess since pain and human suffering are timeless it doesn’t really matter when FW occurs.” –CortJstr, on the chronological implications of Funky Winkerbeans timejump

“I see Michael married a gal just like the gal that married dear old dad: an impatient rageaholic.” –Hank

“While I appreciate The Vulture taking the trouble to explain to me exactly what’s going on, that does tend to take the edge off the dramatic sense of fear.” –Poteet

“Dear God, what life must Toeby have had before meeting Ian that the purchase of a documentary would cause such excitement? I’m almost afraid of the day she gets a library card.” –Dingo

“The craziest thing about this Mark Trail is how plausible it is. I totally believe that Mark would give this long dissertation about fleas aloud in a stentorian voice when his only ‘audience’ consists of his dog and some terrified squirrels.” –Joe Blevins

Those of you who put cash in the tip jar are to be thanked and praised! As are our advertisers:

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Beetle Bailey, 7/8/08

Let’s forget, for a moment, General Halftrack’s terrible problem with alcohol. Is it standard operating procedure at American military bases for the assembled troops to file by, band playing, while the commanding officer and his adjunct stare grimly down from a raised dais? This to me evokes not so much “America’s all-volunteer military” as “Moscow, circa 1982.” Actually, that does explain a lot about Halftrack’s ashen pallor, and his terrible problem with alcohol.

Luann, 7/8/08

Possible jobs for TJ that would justify his current outfit:

• Extremely natty pimp
• Nathan Detroit in dinner-theater production of Guys and Dolls

Have the DeGroots considered that Brad, who is TJ’s closest friend and who has lived with him for some time, might actually know where TJ gets his money, and that they could ask him without any embarrassment on their part? Ha ha, just kidding, we’ve watched Brad’s attempts at romance over the past couple of years, he obviously knows nothing about anything.

Marmaduke, 7/8/08

“And the way he expresses his dislike for things is with massive amounts of excrement, so you’d better brace yourself.”

Sally Forth, 7/8/08

Hmm, perhaps Alice needs to wait a bit before telling Sally about the hidden cameras. Or about SeeTedInseminateSally.com.

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Gil Thorp, 7/2/08

Don’t get me wrong, a two-week Sicilian vacation is pretty awesome. There’s nothing like opening up the window in the morning and looking down the hillside to the Mediterranean below, knowing that in a few minutes you’ll be splashing in its delightful blue waters. But then, there’s also nothing like getting up in the morning and seeing the total insanity that is Gil Thorp, so I can’t stay on vacation forever. I suppose that’s supposed to be Bugs McCoy standing on the dock there, but it looks more like some escapee from a nightmarish genetic research lab, its unformed potato-like head glistening facelessly in the morning sun. Then there’s panel two, in which Elmer proves that “average high school arm” is some sort of code for “disproportionally and hideously plump sausage-thing.” Upon deportation Elmer will be trapped in legal limbo at the border, since Mexico will refuse entry to this obviously dangerous mutant.

Marmaduke, 7/2/08

Given that Marmaduke can wear clothes, write English words, order bones over the Internet or possibly by phone, and, um, smoke cigars, I’m not actually convinced that we can rule out smoking in bed. I do admit that it seems more likely that some terrified citizen, tired of Marmaduke’s rule of slobbering canine terror over this hapless suburban community, has attempted to burn him to death while he slept.

Hagar the Horrible, 7/2/08

That’s pretty big talk coming from someone who appears to be wearing a hand-torn burlap sack. To say nothing of those damn potato-feet.

Luann, 7/2/08

dun da dun da DUNNN dun da dun da dun dunn

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Luann, 6/28/2008

We readers get to see TJ “Jheri” Rictus lookin’ forlorn every six months or so. It helps us tamp back the rage. But merciful heavens, one panel is not enough. Not nearly enough.

Dick Tracy, 06/28/2008

Dick’s been congratulating his own clever self on his 1337 crimefightin’ skillz for a couple weeks now, only to be undone by the night janitor. Is that why he’s moping in a mere “squad room” today, instead of his jaunty “squad pod”?

9 Chickweed Lane, 6/28/2008

Okay, um, Seth neglected Mark while scolding Edda for breaking up with Amos, so Mark, hurt, hinted darkly at infidelity, creating a rift Janice now tries to exploit. Mark values revenge against Seth, whom he loves, but protects the integrity, which she lacks, of Janice, whom he spurns. These people are unclear on concepts like “love”, “revenge”, and — most of all — “gay.” On the other hand, they have “middle school” nailed.

Apartment 3-G, 6/28/2008

Ah. The perfect trio to discover Alan in narcotic déshabillé back at the gallery — Margo for rage, Jack for muscle, and Gabriella for histrionics. Madre de Dios, we’re in for a good time next week! But first — cake!

Judge Parker, 06/28/2008

The second in our series: Who does Judge Parker think he is — Michael Patterson?

— Uncle Lumpy

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Hey, it’s Fashion Week on the funny page, and here come the Judge!

Judge Parker, 6/26/2008

Well! Since he returned last week from his mysterious eighteen-month retreat, the fashion world has waited breathlessly for their first peek under the robe of our own Judge Alan Parker. Speculation has been nonstop, and wild! What will we find under that robe he wears night and day? His pyjamas? Nothing at all? Mrs. Parker? Now the mystery is revealed, and . . . well, he can close the robe back up. Really, Judge. Go right ahead.

Judge Parker, 8/7/2007

Of course, Judge Parker holds court for more than just the latest styles: look to the House of Parker for tips on fabric care, too! Like this one: to achieve her casual “off the rack” look, wine-country fashionista Trudi lightly steams her ribbed tops over the grillwork of a 1955 Buick Roadmaster!

Mary Worth, 6/26/2008

And would any Fashion Week be complete without an appearance by our First Lady of Fashion, Mary Worth? Here, Mary appears in a simple but elegant romper, set off by her ever-present pearl choker. Mary’s appearance this year is marred by controversy over rumors she’s invited a new partner into her circle, displacing her partner of many years, Dr. Jefferson Cory.

Mary Worth, 7/4/2006

Not long ago, Cory occupied a prominent place in Mary’s circle — but tonight there’s a table for one at the Bum Boat with his name on it!

Luann, 6/26/2008

Finally, let’s look in on fashion’s own Odd Couple. Just minutes after his close escape, TJ is back in his cool, casual, classic look — and back to looking out for number 1! And while Brad’s ensemble may say “World War I Doughboy” on the outside, he’s showing the world he’s Pillsbury Doughboy on the inside!

Hey, what are your comic fashion picks and pans?

— Uncle Lumpy

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Dramatic reversals in the Wednesday serials — let’s dive right in!

Spider-Man, 6/25/2008

Oh, snap! Peter can’t stop the Vulture or even get pictures of anybody but himself. Jonah exploits his failure to buy the photos for a pittance, then spins the story so Spidey has to go back at the Vulture, sick or not. Let’s officially retitle this strip Jonah and be done with it.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/25/2008

And in an instant, Rex’s life is changed forever. Effortlessly, doughy Tom Arnold lookalike Max Mallory pierces his tissue of lies and threatens his cover, shield, and only source of strength. The roses in panel two tell us — and Rex — that Max now owns him no less completely than Mary owns Jeff. MRSA can sleep safe tonight.

Mary Worth, 6/25/2008

Today: Mary’s thought-bubbles beat down Jeff’s phone messages. Next: Mary’s emails beat down Jeff’s semaphore signals. Really, this strip could get along perfectly well without people. At least these people.

Apartment 3-G, 6/25/2008

Margo struggles with the whole “Tommie getting more than me” concept. There, there, dear — we’ve all been down that road.

Luann, 6/25/2008

Dear Mom:

Thank you for raising me. I am all grown up now. And a fireman! See my axe? Now shut the fuck up!

Love,

your Bradley

— Uncle Lumpy