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Pluggers, 12/12/17

Fine, I’ll admit it, I’m not ashamed: I learned something from Pluggers today, because I didn’t just stare at it uncomprehendingly in dull horror and say “what gibbering madness is this?” before moving on to Piranha Club. In fact, I discovered that, according to this retrospective 2016 article in the Michgan-based Jackson News, beard-growing contests for the Bicentennial were a thing, confirmed by this 1996 post on the alt.culture.us.1970s usenet group where someone in Alabama remembers similar informal beard-growing competitions. Side note: isn’t it crazy that that 1996 post is closer in time to the Bicentennial than it is to today, but I can’t remember 1976 because I was a toddler and it was decades ago but I remember 1996 very well because I was an adult and it was very recent? Funny how this world works! Ha ha! Anyway, my point is that yes, “Bicentennial beards” were a real thing, with millions of American growing huge beards to honor our founding fathers, who were, to a man, clean-shaven. The ’70s were wild, guys.

Mary Worth, 12/12/17

It seems Wilbur called Iris at breakfast time to try to make dinner plans with her, which I guess explains the robe, and somehow I find it extremely hilarious that Zak is over there enjoying some delicious, healthy All Bran to start his day after an evening of vigorous and mutually enjoyable sex stuff. Not sure if he’s thinking “Dag, this is what happens when you sleep over at an older lady’s house, she doesn’t have any Cocoa Pebbles or anything,” or if it’s more “You know what, I’m a successful businessman now, I’ve cut my formerly flowing locks, so maybe it really is time for me to start pooping on a regular schedule.”

Gil Thorp, 12/12/17

Oh, uh, this Gil Thorp storyline is still happening, huh? Well, just to catch you up, Uncle Gary really wants to Rick Soto to have a concussion, so that Rick will be forced to quit football forever and dedicate himself full-time to becoming a YouTube singing sensation. Unfortunately for this not-at-all insane scheme, multiple doctors have now insisted that Rick hasn’t been concussed even a little! Still, I have a feeling this isn’t the end of it: the skull we catch a glimpse of in the background of panel three is definitely of some kind of early hominin, possibly Homo erectus or an Australopithecine, meaning that this doctor is used to dealing with specimens with much more robust crania than our poor Rick and her advice is suspect.

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Mary Worth, 12/15/17

I am as always extremely here for Mary’s consistent “age ain’t nothin’ but a number” attitude about the Zak-Iris romance. It is of course all the more hilariously deployed in reaction to Toby’s gender-normative discomfort, since her transformation from hipster Greenwich Village artist to bored California trophy wife and occasional sculptor of hideous animal-blobs began when she as a mere lass was swept off her feet by a drunken, late-middle-aged Ian. Anyway, Mary’s drive-by shaming of Toby’s hypocrisy is great, but I hope the real point of all this becomes clear when one of the hunky fortysomething venture capitalists investing in Zak’s dumb video game company comes calling and Mary’s like “Dr. Jeff? I don’t know anybody by that name!”

Gil Thorp, 12/15/17

Gil Thorp is by definition a comic strip that’s heavily invested in high school athletics, and I guess we’ve finally got to the point of this football season’s storyline, which is that, sure, sometimes promising young men play football and get concussions that turn their brains into goo, but what if they love playing football, and what about loyalty, discipline, and hard work, and what are the other options, huh? Some dork with a goatee trying to strongarm you into becoming a YouTube singing sensation??? This feminized PC culture makes me sick.

Mark Trail, 12/15/17

OK, fine, if we’re not going to get an extended storyline where Mark and Johnny actually perform a wildlife census, at least let us flash back to that time Mark got stranded in the Great Plains without any food and had to survive by making “prairie dog tacos.”

Blondie, 12/15/17

As Christmas approaches, please let’s remember the real reason for the season: goosing sales in order to shore up the collapsing retail sector by offering no-interest loans to an already over-indebted populace!

Six Chix, 12/15/17

hey this is a metaphor for the current housing affordability crisis but if you take it to its logical conclusion all those pricey new homes are made from human flesh OK enjoy your weekend everybody

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/18/17

OK, I know we’re in a new era of Rex Morgan, M.D., but I refuse to believe this guy is the Morgans’ lawyer. Refuse, do you hear me? Rex doesn’t hire some schlubby bald guy with a walrus mustache who wears earth-tone polo shirts, keeps his eyeglasses on his forehead, and talks into a cheap bluetooth headset while slurping down his coffee, probably in some dumpy suburban business park somewhere. Rex would hire a high-powered guy in a suit, possibly the mob lawyer who helped solve Kelly’s bullying problem, and Rex would pay however much it took to destroy the biological grandparents of the little kid he barely even wants to adopt, just on principle.

Slylock Fox, 12/18/17

Man, these birds are wearing shoes and pants and have a layered top situation and their wings now end in fingers, complete with a prehensile thumb, so I’m pretty sure the cardinal can WALK now, Slylock, Jesus

Dennis the Menace, 12/18/17

“And stop trying to be mine! Girl, there’s nothing that’ll make you pretty like self-respect.”

Mary Worth, 12/18/17

Wilbur

Wilbur, buddy

This is not a line of questioning you want to pursue

Trust me on this

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Gil Thorp, 12/19/17

Welp, it’s getting towards the end of the football season and Milford appears to be not making the playdowns, so finally Gil and Kaz can dedicate themselves full-time to taking down Rick Soto’s weird Uncle Gary, who won’t bow to their coachy bullshit about how great football is. Or, well, I guess they’ll dedicate themselves to it tomorrow, since Kaz’s girlfriend is “on her computer all day” (at her job, at the small business she owns) and she knows how to work one of those devil machines, unlike Gil and Kaz who are just staring dumbly at a Microsoft Word document where Gil has typed “WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT THIS GUY?” in Comic Sans.

Mary Worth, 12/19/17

Oh, man, I am very much here for Wilbur’s extremely rapid descent into madness as he goes from a cheerful, confident guy asking his ex out to dinner to an unhinged stalker without even stopping at the /r/incel subreddit to get radicalized first. Anyway, my favorite part today, as Wilbur lurks in Charterstone’s weird Dutch angle landscaping, is how he thinks Zak is too well-groomed to be friends with his beloved’s junkie son. He’s a real catch!

Hi and Lois, 12/19/17

The issue of sexual harassment and assault in professional settings has really come to the fore this year, and I think it’s great the Hi and Lois is going to address it head-on with a week’s worth of strips where Thirsty gets tased at Foofram Industries’ holiday party.

Marvin, 12/19/17

Remember: every forced-whimsical Marvin strip about a dumb elephant Santa thing is a Marvin strip that isn’t about shitting!

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Spider-Man, 12/20/17

Let’s ignore the super-fisticuffs here for a moment and marvel at the moment where real serendipitous scientific progress is being made! When we last got a good look at the number that gator did on Dr. Connors, his pants had a huge hole in the leg, revealing his gashed thigh-flesh. But now it appears his pants have healed themselves, leaving just a fading scar where the material has somehow knitted itself back together. Could it be that Dr. Connors has been wasting his time with bioengineering potions and should instead focus on the “smart clothing” that can merge with and cybernetically enhance the human body?

Meanwhile, I know that playing around with the borders of comics panels for visual effect has a long and honorable history, but I’m pretty sure what’s going on between panels two and three isn’t so much “Let’s tweak longstanding visual storytelling conventions to create striking imagery that changes how readers perceive the narrative” as “oh crap I drew that guy’s body too far to the right and his head isn’t going to fit here, uh, uh, uh”

Mary Worth, 12/20/17

Holy shit, Wilbur really is going into a full-on paranoid breakdown in regards to Iris’s wealthy new boytoy. “My ex-girlfriend, whom I hold in high regard and desperately want to reconnect with, has a filthy drug-addict son and her new boyfriend is probably a criminal because she’s got no morals or loyalty. What a bitch! God I love her, the traitor!”

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Funky Winkerbean, 12/22/17

I think we can all agree that the worst part of the Funkyverse is the endless smirking, and today’s strip contains what might be the most malignant example I’ve seen in years. This guy just bought a book about Les’s dead wife/Darin’s dead bio-mom for his wife — who, in a stunning third-panel twist, turns out to also be dead. Les and Darin smirk meaningfully at each other. Nailed it! they’re thinking. People who have lost loved ones are gonna make us rich!

Gil Thorp, 12/22/17

Hey guys, did you know that people who declared bankruptcy don’t have the right to have opinions about their nephews playing sports? True story! Looks like Rick Soto’s back in the game!

Mary Worth, 12/22/17

“I have plans… I’m going to be capturing Iris’s soul in a steaming hot cup of coffee, using Andean magic I learned on a remote Colombian coffee farm. That way she can never leave me! Wait, did I say that out loud?”

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Hello everyone! Your slightly truncated end-of-year COTW in a moment, but first, a couple of important notes. First, as he does every year, faithful reader Wanders has put together The Worthy Awards, celebrating the best Mary Worth had to offer in 2017. Vote in classic categories like “Outstanding Floating Head” and new ones like “Outstanding Stunt!”

Secondly, if you are going to be in LA in the new year and already are worried about how you’ll entertain yourself, why not commit to attending The Internet Read Aloud at 8 pm on Friday January 5th! It’s a live show hosted by me that includes many jokes about the Internet that you’ll probably enjoy!

As is traditional, I’m taking the next week and change off, but will be back in the comics-mocking saddle sometime … oh, let’s say January 2nd-ish. Have a happy Christmas and New Year and I’ll see you in 2018! In the meantime, enjoy this final comment of the week for the year:

“Why is the bear wearing a hard hat? Alternatively, why is nobody else wearing one? Slylock really ought to be using those reasoning skills to see if maybe he’s underneath something heavy.” –Drew

These runners up are hilarious as well!

“Claude Manx is a very international name for a plugger. I wonder, what brought this cat from his Franco-Gaelic homeland to blue-collar America? Was he once a French millionaire who tried to hide his ill-gotten gains in the notorious tax haven, only to lose it all and flee to the States under a transparent assumed name? Was he the son of a Vichyste captured by the Allies and interned on the Isle of Man, trying to escape the shadow of his father’s crimes? Was he… oh, it’s meant to sound like ‘Clawed,’ I get it.” –Schroduck

“‘That’s it! We’ll go caroling!’ said Lois, to no one at all, in a manic kind of way that makes me worry about where her children are.” –pugfuggly

“Rex’s order from the Franklin Mint goes south.” Kevin on Earth

“The dove of peace looks pretty threatening to the cardinal. What’s he going to do, shit on the cardinal’s car?” –Northernlurker

“‘Kelly is on her computer all day…’ It’s called a webcam.” –Liam Astle, on Facebook

“He’s so well-groomed. If only I could grow stubble like that! Hmm, maybe a chin-combover?” –Peanut Gallery

“I want — no, I need — wallpaper of Wilbur stalking behind the landscaping. I don’t mean computer wallpaper. I want this on the wall in my kitchen, reminding everyone to use condiments responsibly.” –Nekrotzar

“Please God let this be a shrubbery costume he’s wearing all around town.” –Anne Elisabeth Dillon, on Facebook

“Is he a professional or into illegal activities? Let me stalk him, maybe install a camera to spy on him in his home, maybe go through his garbage looking for something incriminating. I’ll find out if he is a no good creep!” –Joe Momma

“I didn’t know that Wilbur could move like that! In that I mean he has the ability to crouch and hide. I hope his knockoff Members Only pants will be able to keep up with these new activities.” –Government Cheese

“I am puzzled how Mark Trail’s going to get involved in the diamond smuggling/incipient murder that’s going on in his strip. Maybe the murder of an endangered raccoon-bearded Tut cosplayer (Procyonbarba tutankhamun, if you need the binomial name) will get his attention?” –Voshkod

“I like that, even though Dirty is a criminal lowlife whose nickname suggests filth, he keeps his T-shirt blindingly white and his hair as well-manicured as the grass at a Major League ballpark.” –Joe Blevins

“She would’ve loved it. I, on the other hand, think it’s melodramatic, self-indulgent, and badly written. She had terrible taste.” –Ettorre

“This is just like The Jazz Singer … but with football … and no father … or jazz. Okay, it’s nothing like The Jazz Singer.” –Dennis Jimenez

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon!. If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.

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Happy New Year, all, I am getting back in the saddle after my long winter’s nap and as usual am beginning the year by just straight-up flinging a bunch of comics at you from the time I was gone! I cannot keep away from the siren song of the continuity and continuity-ish strips so brace yourself for a wild sleigh ride of horror!

Dick Tracy, 12/23/17

Aww, isn’t that sweet? Dick Tracy’s beloved half-alien granddaughter is “sure” Ugly Crystal is pretty “in her own way.” What a kind thing to say that isn’t back-handed and passive-aggressive at all! Well, Merry Christmas! [hears “happy holidays” in response] HAPPY WHAT? GO TO HELL YOU BLUE HAIRED FREAK

Gil Thorp, 12/23/17

When we last saw our heroes, they were about to reveal why Gary’s sister shouldn’t feel bad for him even though he was bankrupt and had his law license suspended. Turns out it’s because … he’s sleeping on a friend’s couch! Ha ha, that does make him unsympathetic! I had actually assumed he was living with his family? Anyway, he’s also trying to groom Rick Soto as a boy band singer or whatever, which was his last hope before he falls away into the financial abyss. Not sure how Gil figured all this out, including his living situation, from Kelly’s Internet ninja-ing, but no matter, Gary’s definitely going to lose everything now, just like he deserves for being a nerd who hates football!

Mary Worth, 12/24/17

Meanwhile, in Mary Worth, Wilbur is so crazed with jealousy that he can’t even hear Mary’s extremely sensible advice! But, as the great John Steinbeck pointed out, most people don’t listen to advice. Ha ha, Mary, John Steinbeck basically says your whole deal is pointless! He’s a Nobel laureate, so he probably knows what he’s talking about.

Mary Worth, 12/25/17

One of my favorite things about Christmas in the comics is how some of the soap strips just grind to a halt to bring a little moment of Christmas cheer. Like, Mary obviously isn’t dwelling on Wilbur’s sullen rejection of her stern warning to leave Iris alone, because she’s too busy serving up an enormous ham that she and Dr. Jeff and going to eat apparently by themselves, just looking at each other lovingly while the ham juice dribbles down their chins. I’m pretty sure we haven’t actually seen Dr. Jeff in “action” in this strip since last Christmas, when he was similarly besotted with a ham. Good to know he’s still alive, I guess, although his lack of dialogue in both Christmas strips leaves open the possibility that we’re dealing with a Weekend at Bernie’s or Lars and the Real Girl situation here.

Gil Thorp, 12/25/17

Meanwhile, Gil Thorp can only spare a single panel for holiday greetings, because it needs to use the other one to set up an exciting cliffhanger! Who has been lurking just outside Gil’s office, ready to say that Rick’s own mother’s opinion doesn’t matter?

Gil Thorp, 12/26/17

Why, it’s Rick’s dad, of course, who’s come home from Dubai to clean house and reclaim his wife and son from the clutches of his nefarious brother-in-law. All’s well that ends well, and our only question is: did Gil know Richard was listening from the hallway this whole time? Did they plan the whole thing out in advance, maybe by drawing X’s and O’s on a chalkboard?

Mark Trail, 12/26/17

Mark Trail’s Christmas week storyline is more chill by an order of magnitude. Look, everyone, it’s Andy the dog! He’s clever and alert … and he smells something.

Shoe, 12/27/17

OK, I know technically Shoe isn’t a continuity strip, but I do think you all need to know that, according to the inscrutable but implacable commands of a soulless computer, the Perfesser is going to have to have sexual relations with a major kitchen appliance.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/28/17

So, yeah, it turns out the old people lurking around the playground were in fact little Johnny’s biological paternal grandparents, whom Margie claimed didn’t exist because Johnny’s dad lied to her or maybe she just didn’t like them, who’s to say. Anyway, June understands why this kindly old couple would desperately want a connection to their lost son, but, like, she’s had this kid around the house for several weeks now and has kind of gotten used to him, you know?

Mary Worth, 12/28/17

So, Wilbur’s had a few days to let Mary’s advice that he should let Zak and Iris be happy together sink in, let’s see how he’s dealing wOH MY GOD HE’S GOING TO AMBUSH HER WITH FLOWERS IN THE PARKING LOT WHEN SHE AND ZAK ARE ALL DRESSED UP TO GO TO A WEDDING, THIS IS FANTASTIC

Mary Worth, 12/29/17

AH HA HA NO WAIT HE’S NOT EVEN GOING TO GIVE HER THE FLOWERS, HE’S JUST GOING TO STAND THERE BUG-EYED AND PARALYZED BY THE SHEER POWER OF ZAK AND IRIS’S RAW MUTUAL SEXUAL ATTRACTION

Mary Worth, 12/30/17

Oh, man, he even gets to see the moment where they profess their love for one another for the first time in English. You can grip those thorny roses as much as you want, Wilbur, but no mere physical pain will distract you from your broken heart!

Dick Tracy, 12/30/17

Ha ha, I may have implied up above that notorious fascist Dick Tracy and his strip don’t take kindly to ecumenical “Happy Holidays” bullshit, but that’s obviously not true, because here’s beloved ancillary character Sam Catchem lighting the menorah a mere eleven days after Hanukkah ended!

Mark Trail, 12/30/17

Anyway, it turns out that Andy was sniffing out a raccoon that was raiding the Trail family trash. Good ol’ Andy, always watching out for his family! Other families, like the family of this adorable baby raccoon, can go fuck themselves.

Curtis, 12/31/17

Curtis seems to have forever given up on wacky Kwanzaa stories, but at least we got this charming strip, featuring a delightfully cackling old man 2017 and a briefly muscular baby 2018.

Gil Thorp, 1/1/18

Now we’re rolling into 2018 and … hey guys, remember football? Remember the big win the Mudlarks had on the road against their conference rival? Well, no, you don’t, because you never got to see it, but at least you got to see Gil and Kaz aggressively high-fiving about it after the fact, and also gloat about how Uncle Gary is sleeping in the gutter tonight, probably!

Funky Winkerbean, 1/2/18

Oh, and you’re probably wondering: what’s the new year have in store for the Funkyverse? Well, probably Funky spiraling back down into alcoholism because the world is just too messed up right now and doesn’t a nice big bottle or twelve of whiskey sound great?

Anyway, my 2018 is going to include a normal, healthy amount of booze drinking and another year of making fun of the comics, just like always, so I hope you’ll stick with me and tell all your friends! 2018 is also going to feature me hosting my extremely fun and hilarious show, The Internet Read Aloud, every first Friday of the month in Los Angeles, except in February, I’m gonna be out of town in February, but including January, and that’s this Friday and here’s the poster!

Here’s the Facebook event! Let’s all have a fun new year together, guys!

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Mark Trail, 1/4/18

Wow, everybody, Mark isn’t just taking Rusty on a trip for once; he’s taking him and Cherry on a trip to Mexico! They haven’t mentioned fishing yet but snorkeling counts, right? I think it’s cute that they’re trying to spin a trip to Mexico as exposing Rusty to a “totally different culture,” as if he’s had any meaningful contact with American culture beyond the AM radio broadcasts that are occasionally permitted within the log walls of the compound.

The casual mention of Mark’s “old archaeologist friend” is obviously setting up the main plot, so I think the questions we need to ask ourselves are: which cursèd artifact will Rusty be touching, how soon will he be touching it, and to which ancient Olmec god of blood will it be necessary to sacrifice him to prevent the destruction of the world?

Mary Worth, 1/4/18

As Wilbur spirals down into full-on anhedonia, I was trying to remember the last time I saw him experience happiness that isn’t retroactively tainted by Fabiana’s perfidy. I’m thinking it might be when he deliriously proclaimed to his editor that “I shouldn’t be alive … but I am”? What I’m trying to say is, if Wilbur wants to feel joy again, he might want to rent himself out to a rich sadist with a private island for a “Most Dangerous Game” situation.

Funky Winkerbean, 1/4/18

Hey, were you wondering how Funky’s AA meeting is going? Welp, he’s basically given a long, rambling diatribe about how everything’s going to shit that’s both extremely intense and weirdly lacking in proper nouns while everyone else stares at him in horrified silence. It’s going great, in other words.

Pluggers, 1/4/18

ONLY PLUGGERS CAN RECONSTRUCT INCIDENTS FROM THEIR MEMORY INTO A COHERENT NARRATIVE AND UNDERSTAND THE PASSAGE OF TIME

WE URBAN ELITISTS LIVE IN A JUMBLED FOG OF PAST AND PRESENT INCIDENTS, UNABLE TO REMINISCE OR LEARN OR PERCEIVE CAUSE AND EFFECT

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Mary Worth, 1/9/18

I’m really excited to watch Wilbur’s emotional journey to healing over the coming … weeks? Months? Today, for instance, we can tell he’s moving forward a bit because rather than just shoving that muffin down his gullet to fill the hole inside him where love used to be, he’s taking a moment to enjoy its bouquet, as he would with a fine wine. Meanwhile, Dawn, wide-eyed and still rolling on Molly after another night of clubbing, is about to blow through the kitchen and disrupt Wilbur’s philosophical mindset with some manic, MDMA-addled chatter.

Funky Winkerbean, 1/9/18

“Yes, ancillary character who I’m pretty sure was just introduced into this narrative specifically for the super-depressing ‘Bull vanishes into dementia‘ arc! Only you can still bring joy to this household. He certainly never smiles around me, his own wife! Ha ha, my life isn’t a hell, at all!”

Six Chix, 1/9/18

Here is a comic where dogs discuss the fact that they can’t fuck. Enjoy!

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Mary Worth, 1/12/18

Aww, isn’t this nice? Father and daughter are really relating to each other as adults and supporting each other emotionally! Say, also, unless I missed something, Dawn has neglected to mention to her dad that she made out with a married dude at her summer job, just like Wilbur never brought up the fact that he was grifted by a statuesque beauty in Colombia right before he came home. Just a happy father-daughter pair keeping deep secrets from one another and chowing down on some muffins, in other words!

Hagar the Horrible, 1/12/18

I have several questions about what’s going on here. The first is about the tattoo on this bar lady’s hand. That definitely looks like a prison tattoo font. Did she get that tattoo in prison? Was she in the least bad-ass prison ever, where that would be considered a cool prison tattoo? Did the fact that the tattoo is on the palm of her hand, a very sensitive part of the body and therefore an extremely painful one to get a tattoo on, make it seem slightly more bad-ass?

Perhaps more relevant: how exactly did Lucky Eddy come by his extremely non-specific knowledge of this lady’s tattooed status? Hagar’s smirk implies that he was the one who set up this little farce, but I’m not sure that really works with his canonical illiteracy.

Mark Trail, 1/12/18

One giraffe in Lost Forest is a bizarre, inexplicable freak of nature. But two? Two means that the forest land should be opened to responsible hunting by outdoorspersons who want to harvest delicious giraffe meat and keep local populations in check and avoid the tragedies of “nuisance giraffes.” This will be a profitable year for Doc’s side business selling individual pancakes off his cabin’s front porch!

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Mary Worth, 1/16/18

For those of you who aren’t fully “in the know” on the details of beloved syndicated soap-opera strip Mary Worth, “Santa Royale,” Mary’s home and the setting for most of the action, is a thinly veiled version of the California university/beach town of Santa Barbara — they even use the real names for neighboring places, like Goleta. Anyway, you’ve probably heard about the horrific mudslides in Montecito last week, but you might not know that Montecito too is part of the Santa Barbara area — is right next door, in fact. What I’m trying to say is that while I wouldn’t wish that sort of disaster on anyone in real life, it would be pretty funny in Wilbur, out for a brisk, optimistic walk after deciding to pretend that he has his life together emotionally, were suddenly swept out to sea by a wall of mud.

Pluggers, 1/16/18

Pluggers aren’t afraid of the dark … but they are afraid of that yawning hole inside of them, the one that they can never fill with food no matter how much they try.

Beetle Bailey, 1/16/18

The excuses Sarge has to come up with for all the times he physically abuses the soldiers under his command are becoming increasingly transparent.

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Six Chix, 1/18/18

I feel like I need to apologize, because this comic is basically pretty terrible, but I also kind of love it??? Like, I can’t parse its internal logic at all — clearly the “contgratulations, it’s a” balloon is a take off of the gender-denoting balloons for parents of infants we know and love, so did they give birth to this obnoxious teen, or did he spring forth self-living from one of their foreheads, or did he come in the mail, or what — but I still love his grinning, obnoxious teen face. “Hey guys!” he seems to be saying. “Guess what! I’m here, and I suck.”

Mary Worth, 1/18/18

I don’t have kids myself, so probably I don’t get to weigh in on this, but just because your child loves you, maybe that isn’t in and of itself a sign that you’re a good parent? Maybe another sign of good parenting would be if she goes through an emotional trauma and confides in you rather than just never mentioning it, I dunno. Anyway, even Wilbur’s theoretical sticker is baffling, since (a) “sticker” makes it sound like a bumper sticker, but apparently he’s imagining that he’d “wear” it, and (b) “How are my parenting skills?” gives way too much leeway to your interlocutor to just start telling you their opinions. If you’re just looking for a conversation starter that’ll let you boast, try “Ask me about my parenting skills!” But if you’re asking me about your parenting skills, well, this blog is already on the record with some opinions.

Rex Morgan, 1/18/18

So, it turns out the Morgans’ schlubby-ass lawyer is in fact trying to bring together the battling parties to reach a compromise that leaves everyone feeling like they had some of their needs met, instead of just spending as much energy as possible destroying his clients’ enemies financially and emotionally. As panel three makes very clear, this won’t do at all.

Spider-Man, 1/18/18

Oh, uh, it turns out getting an infusion of Hulk blood doesn’t turn Doctor Connors into a Hulk, it turns him into the Lizard, which is kind of weird because it was some other serum that turned him into the Lizard in the first place. Like when multiple different things injected into your body all turn you into the Lizard, maybe the problem isn’t the things being injected into you, maybe the problem is you, you know what I’m saying? Also, I assumed that the whole Lizard situation was a “human transformed into dumb rampaging beast against his will” deal, but now that I know the Lizard can talk, and use his powers of speech to talk about himself in the third person, I have significantly less sympathy for him.

Family Circus, 1/18/18

I am immediately intrigued by the idea of child-proof pants, but I have to imagine there’s a real cost-benefit analysis you have to run with them. Is the danger of Jeffy soiling himself outweighed by the danger of Jeffy exposing himself?

Gil Thorp, 1/18/18

“WOW THESE ISLAND PEOPLE GET ALL THE FREE HAMBURGERS AND BACKUP VARSITY SLOTS THEY WANT JUST BECAUSE THEY GOT SLIGHTLY HURRICANED, IT DOESN’T SEEM FAIR, DOES IT” –the syndicated newspaper comic strip Gil Thorp, I guess????

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Mary Worth, 1/22/18

Welp, it looks like our “Wilbur gets scam-dumped and then cockblocked by a hot rich millennial” storyline somehow managed to end with Wilbur strutting through a park alone and deluding himself about what a great dad he is, so it’s time for a new plot! And it looks like it’s going to feature Mary’s boyfriend Dr. Jeff after an awfully long absence. Presumably he’ll be around just long enough to introduce his friend (note: Dr. Jeff does not, to my knowledge, have any friends) Ted Miller, who’s quite a character, which 100% means he’s going to be an insufferable nightmare who will throw Mary’s world, and the Charterstone community in general, into chaos. I’m excited!

Beetle Bailey, 1/22/18

Also starting a new plotline this Monday: Beetle Bailey! We begin in media res, with the backstory on what catastrophe has left much of the world outside Camp Swampy a patchwork of uninhabitable “contaminated zones” that the military must enter on mysterious and dangerous missions presumably being filled in at some point later in the week.

Blondie, 1/22/18

Ha ha, uh, remember a couple of weeks ago when I made a joke about Elmo spending all his time at the Bumsteads’ because of his volatile, violent home life? The best part here is how Blondie just kind of stares at Elmo silently as she lets him in, as if she’s gobsmacked and just now putting together his tragic backstory.

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Mark Trail, 1/23/18

Immediately after his giraffe encounter, Rusty ran home to tell his adoptive parents about it, only to be berated at length that you’d have to be a crazy person to say you saw a giraffe in the forest and you must be dreaming or hallucinating like that time with the dinosaurs, so you should stop insisting you saw giraffes or you’re going to have to go live in the crawl space again. Of course, we know that there’s a whole dang circus loose out there, and so I sincerely hope that Mark, maintaining that smug, know-it-all facial expression, steps outside to prove to Rusty that Lost Forest is giraffe-free and is then immediately mauled by a lion.

Mary Worth, 1/23/18

Ha ha, is 2004 Democratic Party presidential nominee and former Secretary of State John Kerry Ted Miller going to steal Mary away from his old friend Dr. Jeff, right in front him? Notice that Mary is sure to welcome Ted “to my home,” emphasizing that she has long refused to marry, move in with, or commit to Dr. Jeff in any way.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/23/18

Rex is scowling in panel one, but thoughtfully, indicating that he might be open to allowing this Maoist self-criticism session to mollify him. Unfortunately, the Marches have made the decision to deploy youth slang, which he’s not going to appreciate at all.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 1/23/18

One of the things I’ve resigned myself to kind of enjoying is that printed matter that appears in Snuffy Smith is spelled in the same eye dialect used in the word balloons. Still, today’s strip is horrifying because it prompted me, unbidden, to imagine a context in which one of the characters might say the world “ballz.” Like, “Lukey, th’ next time we’re int’mite, I’m gonna ask Loweezy t’ tickle my ballz!” If I have to think it, you have to read it, which is, I suppose, this blog’s mission statement.